I'll Be Home For Christmas
by HopelessDreaming
Summary: It's Sirius Black's first year in Azkaban and a talk with a fellow prisoner lets him know that Christmas is fast approaching. In his misery, Sirius is thrown into a bittersweet memory that had changed him in more ways than one...


I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love even more than I usually do. And although I know it's a long road back, I promise you…

Sighing heavily, Sirius Black fell down onto the old, minute cot that sat in a cold, dark corner in an even darker cell, the only source of light for the worn man coming from a barred window, mere inches high. The soft touch of the breeze that was rolling across the land outside dared not venture between the iron bars, never caressing the condemned souls that resided within. The hint of a moon, waxing and pale yellow sparkled and shimmered on the surface of a pool of water that had formed near a sink that was in another corner of the small square of concrete.

A heavy burden lay upon Sirius' mind, pestering him in his wakening hours and haunting him in his slumber: the murder of his best mate, of James, and his beautiful wife Lily, and who had caused it. He knew who had sold them out to Voldemort, and would give everything if only he could fix his mistake, the mistake that had cost so many lives, including his own.

Dark, obsidian hair fell around his face in curls, framing the diminishing, handsome features that he had harbored all his life. His eyes, usually filled with a sparkle from the mischief he had released upon the professors, now dulling down to a lifeless gray slowly but surely, turned to the corridor that was just outside his cage as a foreboding figure flowed eerily by, tattered material enveloping it's frame.

A feeling of dread washed over Sirius, his body going completely rigid, a deathly chill spreading through his limbs, freezing the tips of his fingers. Whatever cheer or hope, that had been evident in him was torn apart, like so many times before, leaving him with only a small flicker of light left in his strong body, sending him into a dazed state, a distant look in his eyes. His forehead had broken out in a cold sweat during the Dementor's visit at his cell, and Sirius brushed angrily at it, wiping his forehead clear of the perspiration. I will not let them win, he told himself repeatedly, a determined glint now replacing the daze in the slate gray orbs, trailing after the Dementor as it moved on, sensing his resentment.

"God… Help me…" Sirius mumbled, rubbing at his eyes sorely, the grime on his hands and ragged clothes no treat to the already reddened eyes. The cot letting out a loud, obnoxious creak as he rolled onto his side, his face facing the wall, Sirius closed his eyes, preparing to slip into another sleep, filled with tormenting dreams and nightmares.

"Hey… hey you…" A hoarse voice echoed around the prison that Sirius sat in. Groaning, Sirius sat up, a creak ringing out again, causing him to grimace, and he looked around for the source of the annoyance. Can never get any sleep around here, he thought angrily to himself, his squinted eyes searching the dusty air.

"Where're you at?" Sirius croaked out, squinting even more, scouring the shadows for the evasive person. It had been so long since he had used his voice, it seemed almost unnatural to utter even a single word. There really was no reason to talk in Azkaban, the wizard prison that he had been bound to for all eternity. What hope did he have left? There was only Harry… the little baby that had survived Voldemort and the killing curse. God bless him, Sirius thought sadly, wishing he were there to protect his godson. Peter Pettigrew had made sure that wouldn't happen, however. Rage building up inside of him, Sirius momentarily forgot about the voice until it rang out once more.

"I'm in the cell right next to yours," the voice explained to Sirius as if it were the most obvious thing on Earth. Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Sirius thought sarcastically, rising from his uncomfortable position and walking to the corner that the voice seemed to be coming from, eager for some sort of intelligent conversation in the dim place.

"Other corner, son," the voice called out again, and Sirius crossed to the other side, annoyance creeping up on him for his stupidity. "Now… I don't know how many people know this in here, but today is Christmas Eve. Did you know that, laddy?" The man's voice was cheerful, the hint of hope hidden within the joy.

"How the heck do you know that?" Sirius questioned the man incredulously. It was impossible to tell when one day had ended and a new one began. Sirius himself had lost count after little over a week; it was a hopeless cause and he didn't feel like exerting himself like that. "What do you do, count the seconds? Tally the days?" He laughed silently at the thought. How weird is that? He asked himself, an amused smile on his lips.

"Of course," the man answered, that same oblivious tone in his voice and Sirius got the same irritated feeling at the sound of it.

"Okay then… That's wonderful to here," Sirius drawled out, uncertainty evident in his voice, an eyebrow quirked as he tried leaning through the bars to get a look at the deranged fellow who knew that today was Christmas Eve. He heard the raucous, deep breathing of the man and cocked his head to the side. "What's your name, old man?" He quipped, assuming the man must be elderly since he continuously called Sirius "son" and "laddy".

"The name's Accredo Mirabilis, young sir, but you can call me Cred for short. And what be yours?" Cred's gruff voice drifted over to Sirius' ears, causing Sirius to grin slightly. Crud… he thought jokingly, that small glint of mischief coming back into his eyes as he thought back to his days at Hogwarts. Long gone were the happy times he had shared with his fellow Marauders as they paraded down hallways and tortured Snape.

A loud, impatient cough brought Sirius out of his reminiscing and back into cold, harsh reality. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Sirius Black. Nice to meet you Cred." Sirius could not remember, for the life of him, what the man's real name was. Complicated stuff, his thoughts were filled with the mock concern that he used to have when he was an 'innocent' schoolboy.

"Black, eh? Sounds awful familiar… One of those Pureblood families, isn't it? Yeah… I've been in here a while… How 'bout you?" Cred's voice sounded so calm and casual that it sickened Sirius. How can he be so happy? We're stuck in flippin' Azkaban! Sirius ranted mentally, fury flashing into those gray moons.

"I have no idea… Less than a year, I know that much," Sirius answered, attempting to control the rage in his voice. He had been on a short fuse ever since arriving in the dreaded place that he now sat, and just that frustrated him beyond belief. He liked being in control of his emotions, and at the present, he wasn't.

"Ah… What're you in here for? I'm in here for "being a follower of Voldemort". Load of bull crap, if you ask me…" Sirius watched the shadows of Cred's hands dance across the ground in front of his cell, and then frowned deeply. "I never followed that crazy man… Half-blood myself. Mum was muggle, dad a wizard."

A deafening silence ensued then Cred cleared his throat again and Sirius jumped, caught up in his own thoughts. "I'm in here for… for murder…" Sirius whispered the last part, his eyes downcast as he imagined the old man's reaction.

"Oh… who'd you kill?" Cred's voice was hesitant and Sirius sensed how uncomfortable he was getting. But that didn't effect what he said next. Lord knows Sirius has trouble controlling his anger.

"Nobody!" Sirius growled, a dark expression overtaking his features. "It wasn't me… I did **not **kill those muggles… not James and Lily… It was Peter… He's not dead…" Sirius rambled on and on, the sound of Cred shifting around in his cubicle heard faintly among the low murmur of words.

"Okay, mate. I get ya. I get ya. You didn't kill those people, somebody else did. Looks like we were both wrongfully accused." Cred's voice was soft, sympathy oozing from every word he spoke. I don't need your sympathy, Sirius thought heatedly, and then sighed. It was no use getting angry over something so stupid. A calm settling deep down within him, Sirius nodded his head.

"Yeah… it does… I'm sorry you got put it in here, Cred."

"And I'm sorry you were thrown in here, Sirius. Now… It's getting late. I'm gonna go to bed now. G'night Sirius."

"Goodnight, Cred." Sirius could hear the rustle of sheets and the groan of Cred's bed as he lay down onto the hard coils, low snores soon following. Sirius could hear the muffled tick of something but immediately brushed it away.

Following Cred's lead, Sirius made his way through the bleak, dim light towards his own thin bed and fell onto the springs, letting out all the air in his lungs as he did. Laughing slightly at the childish action, he closed his eyes, his mind settling down somewhat. Christmas Eve, huh? He thought, a misery that he hadn't known for a while filling him up. Slightly curly, honey blonde hair dangling around a pale, bespectacled girl with gray-blue eyes smiled affectionately at him and felt the familiar stinging of tears as they reminded him that there was still moisture left in him.

"Erin…" Sirius mumbled, picturing what the woman was doing at the moment, wondering, no matter how sappy it was, if she was thinking of him. If she was feeling the same sorrow that filled his heart. "Stupid thoughts…" he told himself, his eyes and voice hardening. Emotions only got him in trouble, only hurt him. But it felt so wonderful to feel them; Sirius knew he was alive.

"It's Christmas Eve… she'll be at Remus', since there's no more James and Lily to go to for the holidays… Syrian and the gang will be there… The ladies will be cooking in the kitchen; turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pasties, everything that anyone could possibly desire. The guys will be helping when called upon, otherwise sitting in the den talking about anything." Sirius sighed at the sweet, sweet memories, vivid images playing through his mind, taunting him it would seem. He could see Syrian, his lovely twin, and Erin playing around, laughing, most likely throwing food at each other. They had always been close friends, Syrie and Eerie.

Syrian's velvet black hair would more than likely be past her waist, considering the fact that she had something against cutting her hair. Her eyes, Sirius could only guess the color they had, would sparkle and twinkle with every laugh and smile. Knowing her only so well, Sirius knew she would be singing along beautifully to the songs that would be coming from the muggle radio she had insisted on buying but a year before. She couldn't have chosen someone better to be with; Remus would suit her perfectly. And Remus was very lucky to have her. Sirius still didn't like the idea of one of his best mate's being with his twin, but he was better than Snape or Malfoy. And Sirius knew that she was in good hands; she would be safe.

Erin… Her hair would be mid-back, maybe waist-length. She at least kept it manageable. It would be shining in the light of the kitchen as she danced gracefully to the Christmas carols that would be ringing through the building. Her eyes would be bright and absolutely entrancing behind her wire-rimmed glasses, attentively watching the food that would have been neglected by everyone else. But she would be enjoying herself, and that thought made a serene smile form on Sirius' lips. If only he could be there to share with her the merriment of the holiday season. Alas, he would never be, and he could only hope that she had found someone else to bring her joy and happiness.

Sniffling a little too loudly for his liking, Sirius buried his face into the musty pillow, if that's what you could call it. Why did my life go so horribly wrong? He demanded, a pitiful thought that filled his brain and overtook his being, causing his limbs to go slack in defeat.

A scene from the year when he had found Erin, discovered Syrian was his twin, Lily had finally accepted James, and Remus had stumbled upon Syrian edged its way into his crowded mind, nudging its way to the front of the line. It was the Christmas of their fifth year; during a masquerade that Dumbledore had held to celebrate the season.

Erin was dressed in medieval clothing, like everyone else who attended the masquerade, and the two of them were standing unbelievably close in a clearing, a waterfall splashing away, solving the problematic would-be awkward silence. Her gown was peach, wonderfully accenting her skin tones and flowing hair. She wore on her hands long, snow-white gloves that reached just to her elbows. One hand was clutching a locket that she wore securely around her neck, the other holding Sirius' cape in a death grip.

Sirius was wearing a proud cape that swayed out behind him in great white waves whenever he walked, a clean white vest with red trim and gold, intricate buttons running the full length and black slacks were his attire for the masquerade. The snow ruffles of a shirt peaked out from his collar, but only slightly; not much of the undershirt was visible. He wore a golden headband, giving him the look of a prince in the regal clothes he wore. One of his rough hands were placed gently under Erin's chin, a dreamy look on his face and in his eyes, his other wrapped firmly around Erin's fragile waist.

Sirius peered into her stunning eyes, his face unknowingly inching closer and closer to Erin's. She seemed to catch the idea of what he was doing and resisted slightly, but quickly and simply gave up the fight allowing herself to be drawn closer to the Gryffindor. The Ravenclaw girl closed her eyes, as did Sirius, and their lips met smoothly. Sirius was engulfed in pure bliss, but it was interrupted when both pulled back simultaneously, Sirius robbed of his breath. It was exactly what he had not expected to happen at the masquerade, but he had hoped would happen quite earnestly.

No words passed between the two, they just stared at each other in silence besides the low rumble of the waterfall, its crystalline waters shimmering in the moonlight that was splayed across it. Patches of snow dotted the ground, and more giant snowflakes floated down lazily from the sky, falling down upon the shoulders of Erin and Sirius, but went unnoticed. Sirius leaned forward, his lips pressing softly against Erin's. He could taste quite distinctly the punch that she had been drinking a short while ago within the protective walls of Hogwarts, surrounded by the students, all clad in gowns or capes of sorts. Pulling back after a couple of moments, he smiled dotingly at her, and Erin returned the smile sincerely.

However, a rustle in the trees that enclosed them caused Erin to look away, and her smile to drop instantaneously. Amos Diggory, her date, had appeared, and was staring at her disbelievingly. He turned, running from the scene that had met his eyes, and so did Erin. She tore from Sirius' embrace and left him standing there, watching her sprint away with a longing look in his disheartened eyes.

That's where the scene ended, and Sirius coughed, choking on the tears that now rimmed his eyes. It was a bittersweet memory, Sirius didn't like the way it ended, but what happened would last a lifetime in his memory. How long he had tried to win over that girl was not even known to him, but it was all worth it… until he got locked up. Now, it seemed like a lost cause, like it wasn't worth his time. Although, Sirius was thankful for the time he got to share with Erin, and he hoped she wouldn't forget that Gryffindor guy who had been beaten up in the middle of the hallway that one day by his own twin.

Sleep finally catching up with him, Sirius settled down into the cot, near to sleep. A Dementor floated by just then, sensing the bliss that Sirius had experienced and swiftly rid him of the delight that he had enjoyed momentarily. They always seemed to know when he was feeling something like that, but oh well. All he had to do was think of his fifth year, and every year of Hogwarts that followed. When the dreaded creature left him to his slumber, Sirius pulled the delicate sheet over his shoulder, nestling into the lukewarm feeling the bed and blanket gave him and closed his eyes, grinning at the images that flashed before his eyes.

Christmases long gone and Christmas that could come danced through his dreams as he slept, Erin, Syrian, Remus, James, and Lily all present. Peter seemed to have disappeared, but Sirius overlooked that matter, not really caring for the rat.

"Cheer and firewhiskey all around!" Sirius shouted out in one of his dreams of Christmas from the Marauders' seventh year, Erin standing by him as he passed around the alcohol and performed his usual antics with James, causing much laughter in the others. A smile was offered to Erin through all the ruckus and she returned, her head cocked to the side at the foolish boy she had accepted. Her face lit up with laughter as mistletoe was strung from the ceiling and Sirius rushed over to her, scooping her into his arms.

_I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me. Please have snow and mistletoe and presents under the tree. Christmas Eve will find me where the love-light gleams. I'll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams…_


End file.
